go darling

2011-10-19T05:55:00.000-04:00

i wonder how long i can go on
pretending i don't want you
like a need that breathes in a human way
but waits and thaws in the heat
surging forward quick as blood flow
quick as a whirlpool that leads to a place
only i can go to

i never thought i wanted to be anywhere alone

you have hypnotised me
i didn't not ask for it
with feelings bare like fresh roadkill
open and inviting the vultures to come
just one vulture here picking at me
at a frequency audible only when i choose to hear

i choose it
my nose runs like a cold that doesn't end
i am winter incarnate
sagging like trees iced over
turning branches into weapons
but can't you see the fragility

my hands are small and cold
i want to hold you and inhale
smells like freedom smells like
cloud nine sex during sunset

devoid
that is it exactly
gimme my medication
gimme my god for fifteen minutes
i pray indian style with eyes closed head back
pupils change heart rate
pounds

altering chemistry
feeling everything at once
to lessen the blow

2011-10-06T02:59:00.003-04:00

i feel you fading, i have felt it before
the way you change with the weather up and down
though i am thinking the summer you doesn't exist
anymore or maybe it never did because side by side
breathing and trembling with the only high i ever got for free
side by side that way with my fingers on the hair on your chest
is a place and a person who could never talk to her again
is a heart and a being who could never look at someone like her again
but you did
do you hear me breaking, it is nothing like the pushing you described
resembling more the slamming of a car door trying to hold ground that won't
stop cracking
the ground is wet from the rain of my face that made me choke and slur excuses
you know that word far too well and i used them as someone said
stand strong and still because taking him back gives the okay for nothing to change
if he has done it before then he always will
i can scream i can hit i can say every angry phrase with ease and certainty
i do it almost well enough to fool myself but darling can't you see we are both actors
in a scene where i try to keep control i try to keep my hands and words from fumbling
so that you can't see i was born to be a doormat used for only you to keep clean
why do i feel like the dirty one as i shrink and curl inside myself with every word i say
lets be honest, can you swallow that, i can't always but i will try, i will say that i am just an
instrument who craves to be played by the mouth and the hands and the heart of whichever
form of you was decided on that moment
but you sat me in the corner while you hummed a different song
a tune i heard but didn't know well enough to hum along
so i grasp at any lyric to make you look and take action
but your reactions send my notes collapsing and burning like a cancer in my chest
you pain me and i love it because it means you plus me interacting
i will respond and try not to be shocked when it goes wrong

2011-10-04T04:03:00.002-04:00

word blocked

chemicals, weather changes, heart stomps, and people who hit like lightning have occupied me and prevented words from outpouring properly

i think in images right now
http://verygoodbuster.tumblr.com/

2011-08-27T05:51:00.003-04:00

i wanted to write an ode or a sonnet
an epic telling or spelling out a story
of something true and whole but really
something borderline therapeutic to make
the clutter of my nerves and brain
chill for minutes long enough to let me breathe
in and out completely

i cannot
all i can say is i forget what your face looks like up close
it has been too long and distance makes the heart grow
but all mine does is pace and twitch in a chemically
induced manner i choose so i can just fucking deal

the water is gone but the lightning still strikes the same place
gone is the word of the day kids though it is so overused
or over discussed and my hands would love to spin the tale
if they could just stop moving but this is impossible
my hummingbird hands used to rest i think before our eyes met
some things should be left alone
this is a character trait or skill i never possessed

to just be blunt now i will say that while outlines
and laughter sounds fade i know what it feels like
to have your body hover above mine while you smile
i'm pretty sure you smiled as you spoke nontruths

that's how this always goes isn't it
insert two people, one says words because they are easy
words that float so close they can be grabbed
we both reached but when you spoke them aloud
i sewed them in the surface of my lungs
i smoke and inhale nicotine and pipe dreams

you have the globe on your fingertips
no it is under your fingernails and you scratch at it
gaining everything you ever wanted
i float in wave pools that resembled oceans from far away
i could still drown like this but you will never be affected by knowing
what it is like to gamble away the only bet i had to put on the table

your back is the table when you begin to stretch
i wanted to be the legs under it
but i was hardly even a place setting

2011-08-09T02:43:00.002-04:00

i believe things that are not real
does it make it easier, no
my body has more blood than the average body
there is blood and blood and it tastes copper-like
it tastes like the bathroom tile and saltwater
the ocean sits in my eye sockets
i made you promise to leave if i did it again
well i did it again and i am the one who is gone
press your body against her average body
in the morning ingest her sweat for breakfast
tell me if it was the best meal you've eaten
every detail i really want to know
it seems so inhuman for you to exist
is this a dream made from the mind of some sort
of bad trip in the head of someone more fucked up
than all of this this is spinning
couldn't you just lay curled and sweet
let me believe that i made you you exist for me
exist for me so i can exist as a whole mechanism
you eat the sun and now it is dusk all of the time
the stars are the hearts of everyone you burned
i am the north one

2011-08-08T06:22:00.003-04:00

where do we go from here. i sway but do not move, concrete stuck. frozen. the night is old. you said you felt old. i feel old and young thinking that maybe i have been the same person for ten years at least, only bodies and coping mechanisms changing with seasons that no longer help me keep track of time. the other night it was too hot and we were not talking as i stood and sipped a drink not strong enough listening to a cover band as someone gave advice to another saying "what you need is a game changer". i don't think i changed anything. there is a weight on my chest in the shape of absences. carve me a train tunnel to your insides so i can catch a peek before the light comes hurling forward blinding any hints you give to what is happening. the dark isn't where the fear is, it's the light that signals warnings through the atmosphere before we crash crash bam. this is the only collision i was never prepared for. i spent three years making little wrecks in the outlines of others bodies. the sting means it is healing and we go on. this sting spreads like fire in a drought. i bleed all over everything you touched and refuse to stop pulling the stitches out because at least then i see physically where you once were. gone.

2011-08-02T01:38:00.002-04:00

if i could use cookie cutters to pull out stars
from my skin to make the sky as bright as you'd
like it to be i would do that
if i could use the smoke i exhale to fashion
a swing so we could pretend to fly together
i would do that but you fly and run alone always

where is the eraser for the brain

i want to bury you in chemicals
i want to murder emotion
i want to not be completely naked in front of you
though you are more than miles gone from here
you know me without a word having to be said
upper hand advantage
game over before i even started playing
i cannot murder this emotion

anything attached to you is museum beautiful
i am museum fragile and dusty in dim lighting
i am open in a disturbed way that makes you not want
to open your eyes fully
let me hold onto your hip bones for dear life
one more time
let me gnaw at your edges like this is the only starvation
i have known

we talk briefly on a monday night
you give no sign of anything
my weakness pours and i put my hands away
ashamed as if there is blood on them
something here won't pass
my skin unpeeled itself and your words
are made of salt
still i beg of you to speak
as though i know the sting is all i have
left

2011-07-26T00:42:00.003-04:00

bitter is an understatement. so were a lot of things, babe. i sit alone and you are going going, you are gone. this is what i wanted yet not even close. you are right, you are always right. it isn't over, for you yes, gone and sitting and moving places that are nowhere near me while talking to girls with faces and bodies nothing like mine. for you it is over so the games can quit while my heart beats clock loud hating you for this. do you remember anything i said in any way that touches you anywhere. i remember everything. every talk and tear and kiss and hand caress. i remember sitting on a bench for two hours in the hidden dark with candy and secrets made of stars. when it all comes down to this there is no truth or lies. there is an us and it is me loving you more than they do always. that is a road that leads only to waking up covered in spit and wondering why my mouth keeps forming the shape of your name. keep my heart. let's gift wrap it and maybe in the winter it can keep you warm.

2011-07-20T15:04:00.001-04:00

do you feel this
i say why you say there's an intensity there
do you feel the intensity here
when we exchange words of importance
then talk about fucking other people
i sit on my hands to not smash apart
the meaning i created that you helped place
in the center portion of my brain

if you stopped running for a second
you would realize that no amount of washing
erases the blood from your hands
you would realize that no amount of hurting
will make the butterflies escape from my chest cavity
i am the catch of the day that you tried to throw back
the chase is what you want and i am no longer the object
i have been had and i am still had
where is the fun of that

when you stop chasing everything you think you want
when you stop putting your long fingers inside the veins
of every other taken girl while you take and move on and forget
remember that i am here breathing the dust in of all your stories
shaking in my boots that still don't make me reach you

this is what eternity feels like
maybe it is me in this moment listening to your confessions
knowing that nothing you express will change my insides
the transformation already happened

this is eternity
me waiting for you

2011-07-15T21:53:00.001-04:00

you have never been where i have been
you have never fed on what i have fed
to those around me to keep them from shaking me awake

how fast can organs beat until it is considered unsafe or a problem
how still can i sit without the trembling breaking through the surface
everything i touch is rotten and rusted while you shine like glimmers
of water touched by the sunlight on a day where everything went wrong

this is a last call but no ones at the bar tonight
where are they are they sitting inside like i am
wondering how something that felt like concrete
shattered like glass on a linoleum floor

breathe out words that flow like lyrics only we can sing
or others can sing along without understanding that every word
we speak face to face or device to device is soaked with intensity
only matched by eulogy readers and coffeeshop dwellers who ache
to reach the core of everyone who is bleeding from the outside in

2011-07-15T15:46:00.003-04:00

we lay like coffins unfilled
it wasn't supposed to be this way
the way it is

we pray together, hands clasped
making you hold me down
crying out for promises i hoped were felt

i ask do you believe in god
you said yes and i forgive you
do i forgive you
yes but the summer heat still lingers
between the spaces in my chest
i thought there isn't enough room for all i feel
did i pass every one of your tests

failure is abstract
darling do you hear me sitting here
half naked and waiting for your words
to pass through towers and wires

hit me in the face with everything
i want you to say
we are blinded by mistakes made
by the light of a movie about dreams
you haunted mine for weeks

what do you see when you see me
am i even there or am i a corpse
freshly rotting and drowning
in the despair you helped put there

i will tie the noose for both of us
if you make the jump with me
will we trip or will we fly

risks exist for the taking
i take the blame and make it mine
now take me

2011-07-12T19:59:00.002-04:00

say something
make it be the truth

not even touching and your heartbeat
crawls down your arms across the bedsheets
shocks me

we are static cling

hold my face in your big hands
hold it tight while putting my hand on
your chest then say it beats for you
for you for you it is pounding

let this be the truth

i am a whirlpool
where everyone wants to swim
but no one wants to drown in

could we maybe
sink together
then pop up on some shore
intertwined on the ground in a place
where our names are unknown

the chemicals are hours long gone
my body is still racing
palms slick

for you for you

you only
shock me

2011-06-24T13:50:00.003-04:00

this is the last i give to you

writing makes it real
takes the previous events
smearing them on paper
on a screen

if it isn't seen it didn't happen
reading is seeing
speaking makes it happen

though if you break it down
it's nothing that hasn't already
been done in a poem a song a thought
of anyone who half felt like all their blood
was sucked up and spit out in their face

in case someone half cares
this is me just saying that
my cigarette brand reminds me of you, also
the smell of pot
energy drinks
the word rad
backpacks
slasher movies

i find you in every conversation
with people who go too far and run
even if they don't do this i pretend they do
so i can trick my hands into thinking i'm talking to you

this is the last i have to give
white knuckles down
what surrender tastes like at the end of the movie
when we both play the fool

2011-06-22T06:07:00.001-04:00

i crave autumn
frozen in bed
shaking in the heat
of the season that makes
even the sane feel tight
in their own skin

the oleanders sit
outside of work
the first time i'd seen them in person
like lust at first sight
the poison calling to me
like an echo of a stranger standing
at the end of the street
you only see an outline
but you want to go to them

everything moves forward
i dismiss what i am doing to my body
i dismiss those who left before
i dismiss your words and their words
my mothers words and advice
i can dismiss everything minus
what you refuse to give

the unattainable rests in me
stinging in pores as if the absence
is a tattoo only i feel
permanent and regretted later maybe
it sits in the shape of your palms

we don't choose this
this aching and the way it pours itself
into the facial features of everyone
you make eye contact with

the longing will kill
before the drugs will
before the drinking
the sex and music
longing for seasons for people
who have passed though still alive

when you lay next to someone
who does not carry lists and rules sewed
inside the pockets of their heartbeats
do you feel me breathing

2011-06-16T15:58:00.000-04:00

i saw you drunk
on an almost birthday
backpack in tow
i was unwillingly
sober
hoping to break away
to make sobbing calls
filled with promises to pay
him back later

we are supposed to be best friends
you are supposed to take care of me
you said
and you said that i
well i am unreasonable
and dramatic
labels i've stuck on my forehead
long before you did
no one is cared for either way
you are with her, smiling
i am here waiting to get my collateral back
from the dealer

where now
we could try the friend thing
i could try the thing where people
pretend to be happy for other people
even when they aren't because they are in
something resembling a love
if i can't have you someone else can
because it is not my decision
i fill the gaps with naps in the afternoon
waiting for chemicals or drinks
to soothe the pain of acting
like we are okay

she's been here 7 months
i've been here 1
guess who has the upperhand
not that i can have you either way
but i gave you me and you took it
you took it without question
without mentioning the face of anyone else
groping in corners you felt the texture of my heart
as i breathed like a sprinter
mentally willing time
to pause so i could possess you
for the seconds you lied

wanting something doesn't make it real
reality doesn't make you feel
mine

crave

2011-06-15T01:20:00.000-04:00

show me a way to say this without coming out the fool and i will show you the bullshit in all of that. there is no way. there is the now and the leeches that exist in me aching to pull out all i can from you. if love is unselfish i've never had it. but i'd rip apart anyone who had damaged you if asked. i'd unravel my veins and fashion you a rope to swing on or a hammock to lay on when you get off from those long work days, just to make you comfortable for any moment. i would do that, so it counts for something doesn't it? it should. i recall some paranormal program where a girl flails about possessed and think there is more than that to fear baby. you really have no clue. sitting shotgun in a car with eye contact that lasts too long, asking what a million times. what is that i cannot tell you. i chew gashes inside my cheek and drink the blood of my tongue to not say what i want to scream into your mouth. lust shouldn't be the sin it is. there's worse than that which makes me choke on the taste in the back of my throat though i haven't been eating. it's the taste of a lack of something. nourishment is found in the outline of your body. i am starving.

loves: past present future

2011-06-08T23:30:00.000-04:00

i.
she is gone. i don't think i even cried for her. i think i cried for pulling something from my insides as if making physical the best of me and now it is lost. lost as if she was a bill misplaced or searching for a matching sock. her socks were too big for her. so small. they said i should be grateful, a week is better than nothing. what is a week? tube nosed and fragile she experienced nothing. the 23rd of august the good in me faded in perfection shaded an ashy color and peace i could never emulate.

ii.
you left me before. i have left you before. we slept side by side and so far away. i remember two years ago we rested post sex in a windowless room and i thought i would do anything to be whatever it is you could need. need is objective. everything is objective if you break it down. even facts. i was different then. short haired and emotions bared like fresh wounds. i couldn't be anything else. this is me pre-jaded. young in a way where i think all people mean more than they should. i could have been possessed forever before i knew that all cages were imaginary ways for people to take what they want and leave the rest behind.

iii.
forbidden. that is the word for all this. you asked what makes you the best and i can barely put it in words much less a one page text message shortened to keep your attention. pale skin, long hair. your lips are carved out of marble and full like ripe fruit i never should have picked. your body is a body against mine breathing in sync and if this moment is a moment that can be paused like fancy TV then please lets do so. i want to freeze you and your line crossing words. you said my body is perfect. squeeze it like the lemons i hate. you smell like ocean and breezes and damp air the way it is electric before the rain comes. you electrocuted me. things are not the same.

scorch

2011-06-06T23:20:00.002-04:00

remember the night
you turned me into a candle
lit me on fire
i dripped down my leg

then you left
i stood for 45 minutes
convincing myself that you
were a hallucination

too long sober
i am starting to think
there are no pay offs to trying
to get your shit together

i switched substances
started inhaling you
hour long hugs that cut up time
as if it were white lines

a higher power does not exist to me
but what we are is the same as sinning
is it worth it to you
it is so worth it to me

to keep burning
again and
again

nighttime

2011-06-04T00:58:00.002-04:00

i am not owned by
who i should be
do you
see this

you bite my cheek
before you go
vampires
pale and hungry

this is uncommon
this is confidential
you shouldn't read me
like i'm naked always

i do not plan things
you do not expect anything
how much does anyone
know anyone

turn me around
this isn't going to happen
but when it does
it will be epic

there is no proper way
to say i will always crave
the blood of what
i cannot taste

no we didn't

2011-06-03T16:36:00.003-04:00

in the light of the hall
everything is unreal

cars are meant to be parked
some people are meant to go untouched

breathing like it is the first time
my heart beats in master volumes

lights in the windows
your hair in my mouth

i do not know what is actually happening
are your hands on my back

nothing matters unless you are
grabbing my face

choking each other
this is weird you said

wake up

2011-06-02T14:16:00.002-04:00

your kiss
knocked me backwards
fucked me sideways
your touch
isn't what i thought it would be
isn't what it should be
having the power to reach inside
my chest and calm everything
almost to a halt
my heart says if it will stop
it will stop for you and you
only

your kiss
exists only
in a half conscious place
it never happened
it never will happen
i try to block it all out
forget that images in sleep
make us happier with the imagined
instead of the existing
i want you
i want you and you only
to devour me in any way
you please

you held onto my shoe
that night
and i thought
here we go
as i hold on for dear
life

blood

2011-05-27T17:03:00.003-04:00

chemicals in my stream
here we go
here we go
three days ago
i was hit
and last night i told someone
that true love is instant and
unselfish
i've felt it only once
my entire belief system
is shaken
who will save you me us
i'm kidding cause all that concerns me
is who is going to save me
when all my excuses and escape routes
chase me into a dead end
fatherless
hopeless
cliches like slit wrists
in dirty bathrooms
i miss what isn't even there
i miss what i cannot even
put into conscious thought
play me
an instrument in skin
i am a vessel
i am a cupboard
for you to keep
everything you don't want
to say to yourself
take this pill
lay and choke
on the words you won't send me
in the morning
my heart has holes and leaks
on your hands
there is only room
for one
everyone else
serves a lesser purpose
i will decide later
at a more sober time
the room is dark at 5 in the evening
when was the last time
we were really
here

psycho candy

2011-05-10T04:39:00.000-04:00

let's give each other therapy
pretending we aren't damaged in some
obvious sort of way
let's do this when you get home
i wait with the patience
of sudden weather changes
i do not know what that means

i sit and wait nude
besides a necklace
i need to shave my legs
i make lists in my head
i roll the dollar bill up
i unroll it
inhale inhale inhale
shit i hate threes
oh well
keep going

living
at this point honey
is objective
honey reminds me of a song
so i put a record on
my nose runs
my body oozes like those
jello shots i did the other day
or yesterday
everything is a version of
some thing/day/person

let's pretend we aren't
we are fresh and baby new
we are the smell of change
and the sound of leaves that
die but look lovelier
than they ever did
alive

wings

2011-05-02T05:50:00.001-04:00

mess ups
should be easier caught
like a cold you pray you don't get
cause you're looking forward to
something or
lipstick on a collar
the way they show in movies
every mistake out in the open
so i can't point fingers that always
quiver like leaves in the rain
saying i knew you would do this
i knew you would

then we baptise each other
with shower water that runs cold
way too quick
goosebumps like road maps
to what sits underneath
blood flowing things beating
growing shrinking
rhythms trying to tell us
you may not be clean but hey
you are alive feel it

these dark circles permanently
reside under my eyes no matter
how much sleep i get
battle wounds from seeing
too much than i ever planned on
so often and so soon

the l word is not a playground
or a chorus to every favorite song
it's not the sound of the rain on a night
where we sit apart yet so close
as though our brain waves meet halfway
it's a feeling in the pit of your stomach
lining that you brush off as butterflies
you brush off as temporary nerves
nothing in your name spells temporary
and as a kid they told me
if you touch their wings they will not fly
this used to terrify me

you touched me
i am not moving

2011-04-29T03:28:00.002-04:00

carved your name
into my body
this is nothing
i am
body in the alleyway
that no one finds
until the stench and
sight of naked used
flesh torn clothes duct tape
this is a metaphor
you threw me
into the dumpster that was
every fucking word
you ever said
your fingers are knives
your fingers are weapons
they stab me in my sleep
so that i have no idea
why i am bleeding
when i wake up
throw it away
we are all whores
for something
but i never meant to be
some line girls cry to
in a really sad song
i never meant to be
a late night voice mail
that someone deletes
as soon as
they hear it

2011-04-20T02:24:00.002-04:00

"oh my god" uttered in your sleep
the closest i feel to you
is when we are both far away
grabbed arms
a
push
you shouted in a voice
not your own
whore
bitch
echoed in the street
the wind sends me home
to a place as empty as
an unanswered call
"are you alright,
are you alright"
no but who is
at a time like this
black screen
tornadoes in states and
counties nearby
the animals in the room sleep
soundly
there is nothing more alone than
this
my birthday is in
2 days
i feel nothing when i think of this
im already drinking
in preparation
ive been drunk for
years but your breath close to me
awoke me in a way
no kiss ever has
you breathe insults and i eat them
like a prisoner choking down
bread and water
i need no last meal
i am already gone

drink drank drunk

2011-04-11T00:05:00.002-04:00

there is no one here
i function as something
that is going through the motions
where are you
here i am off work drinking away
every look you have given me
good or bad
the phone is not ringing
no one is at the door
where am i going
there is no path mapped out
except for the part where i cry
but that comes later
and the part where i fall over and
apart coming apart an old sweater
that you will never wear again
my words have no weight to them
they slur and laugh i am
whatever you thought i was
when you think bad things
i am no one you ever met
because i tried to save you
warnings fall on closed ears
and closed minds
there is no genuine connection
no one knows anyone
we are all bed warmers
i am a substitute until
someone finds someone better
someone whose baggage doesnt take
years to sort through
off work and im drinking
because i cant feel what youve done
there is no one here

2011-03-29T10:31:00.000-04:00

i shouldnt keep a box of i love yous
as stocked and overflowing as i do
the way some people store away photos
of people they used to know and who they
were before they grew up
i do not rationalize things on a timeline
or at all
i do not take you into consideration
when i give all of me
my selflessness is selfish because
there is no more of me i can take
so i hand off pieces disguised as offerings
to those hungry and eager for the comfort
of hearing exactly what is easy to digest
if i had the guts id die and come back as poison
so i could say exactly what i mean with one swallow
he told me i hate how you bled for him
but i bleed for me and the way my heart beats
a bumbumbumbum you are here you are here
face a reflection of something red and see
exactly what you are you bitch
but the bottoms of my pants are frayed for reasons
for i run from everything that gets too close
to really breaking me the way i need to be broken
like how they say it cant get better til it gets worse
i teeter on the brink of that and wait
for you to push me over
because i cant
id starve all the good out of the curves you praise
before id admit a single fault to you
take my confessions as a keyhole
to a door without a knob
and a cement wall

2011-03-19T03:39:00.002-04:00

1.
no one has ever
shook like that
after a night between
flesh and muscle and scar tissue
covered thighs
you did and said it felt
different

2.
paint
photography
words
i cannot pin you down
onto a tangible surface
look me in the face and not
the chest
i catch you and you smile
the room at night becomes noon
instantly
your face is
a lamp

3.
i was never number one
on a list pinned on the corkboard
of anyone's heart

4.
three is my least favorite number
and things like that
random facts i fill in to everyone
so they can never claim my book
was unopened
you ask before i even speak
you hate poetry but you read
everything

5.
"nothing is more serious
than we are"

2011-03-19T03:08:00.002-04:00

i find your hair
on random places
you find my hair
all over things i never
even touched
you sound like a song
i've been hearing all day
i could never sing any tune
close to shaping you
us together sounds
like broken bottles
but the glass in the light
glimmers in a way that is
delicate and honest the way
more people should be
we collide in ways that feel
like natural disasters i am
the last to hear about on tv
shaking entire homes
waiting for the calm
the dust of what you've said
covers everything

2011-03-10T20:52:00.002-05:00

there are calmer ways to say this
there are safer places to sit
but im the sort of person
to walk outside the lines when crossing
the sort who cut out my own organs
and piled them on a platter in front of you
fresh and bleeding, "here take it
all, because i cant exist as half
of me anymore"
there are healthier ways to live
but that is so out of fashion these days
and my trends currently consist
of bedsheets and my sweat
because i awake in the middle of
the night with a mouth drier than
my skin in winter and you are so
far away so fragile when your eyes
are closed that i want to destroy you
but not really
we exaggerate as if saying what we mean
would ruin it all
i procrastinate as if running
where i need to go
would be the worst thing to happen
i am a coward and a maze with no
beginning and no ending
theres just you somewhere in the middle
and i forget the atheist in my lungs
and pray for you to catch me

2011-03-10T20:36:00.001-05:00

comely ghost
you swoop in and out
of my favor
everyone knows that
lust and love are on equal
playing fields
everyone knows
fucking and making love
are the same thing but one
makes me a little less sore
and aching but i ache everywhere
when you stare at me
that way

2011-03-07T00:45:00.002-05:00

i would quit smoking if you
really asked me to
id quit fucking and cussing
and drugging and crying
over things that i think i deserve
to cry over but you dont
and if you loved me enough to not
ask me to change
id do what i could to seep inside
your body and keep whatever i could
from hurting
which may not be much
but if you could understand
that your breath is my breath
and any word of bitterness was never meant
then maybe just maybe
each day would feel more like the sky
and less like the ocean
im a terrible swimmer and the deep
puts an uneasiness in my stomach
i ache for everything
i hate nothing that has ever touched you
you say we are two different people
you say what they all say
and we are because you are something
inhuman because nothing real or normal
could make me shake that way
you cast spells with your eyelashes
and suddenly i cant sleep and dream
of anything besides
your face

2011-03-02T14:15:00.002-05:00

your hands in my dreams
i am soaking
tossing turning
your eyes are so bright today
you drive my skin up the wall
but every word you say
calms me to the point of sleeping
deeper than i ever should
because then im off guard
moving in circles and if nowhere
is the destination id go there with you
and i couldnt let you win for a number
of reasons but you are
number one at a lot of things
and you know it

2011-02-03T07:24:00.003-05:00

speed and grinding teeth
awake til two tomorrows from now
i am unlike anything you ever thought
you may have wanted
this i am sure of
i go until i cannot move because stopping
has never been an option for someone
whose boundaries exist more as a statement
made of tissue paper streamers and not
concrete barriers though it would be
so much easier
you cant get much easier
than me at this moment right now
though everything thats worth fighting over
is fleeting
and i hope this weather is
because my bones caught a cold two months ago
and at night an avalanche slides and rests
on my sternum so that i barely breathe
every gasp was always your name
i write it in smoke with my exhalations
everything was always you and your face
with all your words you value so highly
with all your lip licking and sighing and
eyes that always gave every fucking secret
away

2011-01-30T19:55:00.003-05:00

blue
gray
blue
gray

your eyes
the ocean
with fog in
the morning

i am drowning

2011-01-11T05:50:00.002-05:00

you are more than you comprehend
we are a silent riot
and the impact is always felt
afterward
car crashes know nothing of us
your eyes change like the weather
i watch the subtle differences
in your face your breath your movements
like a tv screen that has me hypnotized
i am brainwashed and it is still not clean
these blankets are cold and a poor substitute
for your skin pale but it glows at night
in a light only i can feel
i can't pretend i don't still think about it
the history of us that i want to sum up in words
less painful but lying has never been something
i could do to you
though sometimes i want to break you
for knowing more than i give you credit for
like the time in an argument
you called me fragile and i thought
for a moment my insides were outward
exposing everything i am and am not
sit with me all morning
every morning until forever
is no longer a word but a meaning
and a moment where our book has closed
and we are happy

2010-12-30T03:16:00.002-05:00

i am walking
stockholm syndrome
i need you in a way
i don't want to get rid of
two nights ago you ripped out
my insides and threw them to the ground
and i couldn't get off the floor
all my cards are on the table
you threw them there against my will
i never signed up for 52 pick up
but here we are and this mess well
it isn't just mine
i need too much for my own good
i want to not eat and purely
exist on you
i want to lock us in a room
for four days and be unhealthy
people are overrated
let's create our own world
a metaphorical fort of blankets
safe haven so i can sleep maybe
so i can sit comfortably
and forget that anything existed
before you did

2010-12-21T01:42:00.002-05:00

spread all over
skin like spilled milk
that you lap up
but you cannot contain all of me
i sink into something
heavier than the air in this room
lets stop keeping track of how we are
or how we are doing
lets exist and move around
bounce off each other like
masses in lava lamps then stick
back together
i feel the weight of winter
inside my ribcage and for once
it is not your fault
i cant look at myself for more than
35 seconds or some number like that
restless my hands grasp at
anything to keep me steady and
if that isnt you im sorry
our silences say more
than words ever do

x

2010-12-11T19:38:00.002-05:00

you replaced my body with another
every detail you know
the sound of my crying when i was
at the lowest the sound of me panting
of me laughing when i dont mean it
the way i fit into the spot under your head
then i left it abruptly
running from things when they stop working
without question or hesitation
do you remember what it was like when i
was there do you remember the people we
were when intimacy meant sitting in a room
with someone being nothing but yourself
that used to be okay
i cannot tell you where i am now
you stay so far away
i dont get over things as easy
as i should or they say i should
but who the fuck are they anyway
i sleep deeply only on occasion
and wake up damp and shivering
i am not here anymore
you are better off that way
and i live half drunk
thinking things that i will
never say

2010-10-29T11:13:00.002-04:00

sex can be toxic
and so can you
i learn everything
the hard way
i want to devour you
like an insect or rat
keep you inside me longer
you stare at me for long
periods of time
i want to break your face
into tiny pieces
then put it back together again
you say we are two halves
i say of one twisted person
you are so perfectly
imperfect
the line in the sand is drawn
between love and hate
and the wind has been blowing all day
oh how i want you
regardless

2010-10-11T11:34:00.002-04:00

you yourself stand alone
i sit kneeling watching you
you turn me into a person of need
i forget to eat one day
because i crave you
if the joke is on me
we will have to unhook your heart from mine
and hope that i can still breathe
you fill me and move in me
until my thighs shake and my hands tingle
you always win with your words and tongue
that spill out promises and magic with ease
i lost the upperhand 2 years ago
and still am recovering
you are a drug i thought i detoxed from
but i can still taste you

2010-09-09T12:08:00.003-04:00

september
and i can breathe again
maybe things aren't as bad
as i envisioned
or maybe they are worse
the calm before the shit
hits the fan
maybe i worry too much
spending too many nights
sitting up waiting
for something to change
i can smell the autumn
it smells new like a
car or a baby
i am breathing
things feel
fine

the difference between us

2010-08-20T11:39:00.000-04:00

you smell of something earthy
and illegal
you are the sound of glasses
clinking together
you have no idea
you are the last cigarette
that i can't inhale slow enough
you are the nice guy who finished halfway
and the asshole who never started
you are the damp air in the morning
you are the street lights that blur together
you are the living room and
i am the coffee table that all your insides
spill upon

where

2010-07-23T23:24:00.002-04:00

i am an empty house
no i am in an empty house
it feels like the same thing
long days without you here
i need you every second
like a junkie
i play the waiting game
long days
nights smoking hookah
laughing with people i just met
and people i am uneasy with
days in grocery stores
wondering if what you buy
says anything about who you are
do words say anything about us now
i cant express how far away
everything is but the sparks
of something different
hit when you are at the front door
knock and i wake up
but i wasnt really sleeping

2010-06-26T10:54:00.002-04:00

i have no time anymore
maybe someone stole it
i'm not sure
i work and work
and take the bus to work
and wait for rides
when i am home i sleep
or lay in the sleep position
with hands that smell like a doctors office
from all the wipes i used to feel clean
there is no amount of rest that could calm me
there is no amount of money i earn
that seems to get me anywhere
heres to hoping

limbo

2010-05-24T13:36:00.002-04:00

i want to sleep with you
so i can be in a setting
where we can choke each other
and it is okay
i want to sleep with you
when your entire family is
in the living room
and you tell me to bite down
to stay quiet
i do and you have
the bruises for weeks
i want to be able to have
a mature talk about our
communication problems
but i laugh every time
maybe because your eyes are blood shot
from smoking and mine are heavy from
not sleeping
our brains apart work at
only half capacity
but together they still don't
get us anywhere
it seems

lately i

2010-05-12T13:11:00.002-04:00

stand for eight hours
make small talk with the elderly
everyone asks when i graduate high school
my face and age do not match up
i hide my annoyance
what am i doing with myself
they ask everyday
i work here
obviously
and thats about it
birthdays came and went
days go slow
i sleep when i can
money in the bank
i can move soon
but am most excited
about getting a cat
this is what
my days are
my brain has been
slower
i would like pharmaceutical assistance

speed

2010-04-16T12:22:00.002-04:00

you drive fast going nowhere
we argue about something random
i blare hole in the car when im mad
when did i sleep last
i skip another meal
text you in the middle of the night
i sell two stacks of books
and get 9 dollars
i cry in your car
i cry in your room because
i filled out an application
and well they never called back
and hey what is on tv
i am almost out of cigarettes
this coffee tastes like shit
i have been sweating for the last
few hours and we have sex several times
the clock numbers blend together
i dont remember where i am

spring is here but where are we

2010-04-14T12:55:00.002-04:00

we pass the church with the tulips
that remind me of one of my favorite poems
their redness makes me cringe and i cant help
but think of me at 13 crouching in the shower
with a pink razor and my pink knees slide
against the tub as i sacrifice my blood
to the drain that washes away my secrets

we sit inside as your old friends
skateboard down the street
they dont talk to us anymore
i beg you not to leave
and you promise that forever really
means always and i agree

my mother tells me not to put
all my eggs in one basket
i told her easter came and went
she says people grow apart and change
but everyday feels exactly the same
and honestly
so are we

this song makes me happy

2010-04-07T12:50:00.000-04:00

Bang Bang

2010-03-23T12:57:00.002-04:00

i have dreams about zombie attacks
and natalie portman shows up
i don't know why but i am glad

6S

2010-03-16T11:52:00.000-04:00

I am in The 6S Review, Issue 2
here

You should buy it

<3

la fovea!

2010-03-03T17:37:00.002-05:00

Two new poems of mine are featured in la fovea. thank you to the lovely jillian clark for picking me. if you don't read her blog already then you should start.

read me

facts

2010-02-17T14:14:00.002-05:00

i steal library books
i can cry on cue
i envy my friends
i believe in "soul mates"
i don't believe in god
i like to rewatch movies
i listen to songs on repeat
i just recently started wearing makeup
i do not have a drivers license
i have a birthday on earth day
i think getting tattoos is erotic
i get crushes on strippers
i dislike my name
i wish it was spring

morning

2010-02-11T13:45:00.001-05:00

anti social

2010-02-03T19:01:00.002-05:00

i'm finding it harder to read
anything not personal
anything truly fiction
anything exaggerated
anything less than
a still pulpy heart handed over
on a plate or words that feel as real as
my hand in yours on yours under yours

i want the ache of your skin to be mine
i want you to spare me the violence and
sex and songs and chemicals unless they are yours
unless they have been lived and now sit inside
your veins like something that becomes your blood
and breathes your breath

i need to get out more often

it happens

2010-01-22T12:28:00.003-05:00

my throat has been hurting
for almost a month
i used up all the nyquil
and now i cant sleep
i lay half naked
watching reruns of tacky
reality shows and wonder
if those people really are that way
is anyone really that way
am i the way i think i am
or do you see something
completely different
this makes me anxious
i eat a bite of ice cream
and put it away
i am bored again
the tv lights and dims the room
but makes me feel more lonely

war

2010-01-02T04:25:00.001-05:00

brief seconds
run and slide to catch it
when you look so breakable
i want to wreck you
with your eyes that fade to gray
or glow
red around the rim
hold in your smoke
i wonder if i set the room on fire
would we burn or explode
take off your clothes
climb into the water
in the middle of the night
or morning
oh its dark either way
say fuck a lot
towards the cold air
and you look so sweet
bare in the water
i want to drown you
then give you cpr
not so sweet words exchanged
the ones that make my teeth pinch
my lip and my nails tug your hair
screaming everything you touch is wet
you look so inviting
i want to wreck you
or wreck us both
until no one can move

2009-11-30T10:28:00.002-05:00

its been hard to write
i take nyquil to sleep
more than the recommended dose
and i still toss and turn
my dreams go back and forth
first im in an old friends bathroom
kissing you when i had a boyfriend
then im in white, rocking in a chair
thinking maybe this is how zelda felt
that emptiness and fear that swallows you
like the whale in pinocchio
and if thats the case
where is my scott
its been four days
and my hair goes unwashed
my bed unmade
this cant be the healthy approach
but i do it anyway

this is not a love poem, it's a poem about love

2009-11-10T12:52:00.000-05:00

when we die
have our ashes placed together
then buried at the bottom
of the ocean
in the dark
and the quiet

when you said
i love you no matter what
you only said it once
because your words have weight
you are always the solid one
im the liquid
trying to be contained

we dont trade love poems
we trade blinks and nods and
moans that i interpret as if
they were morse code

everything
you are
i try to catch up
match your fingerprints on my thighs
mark for mark
forgetting that my hair
is always on your pillow

lets not make big declarations
lets lay in bed ten hours
make them guess if we are still alive
emerging with sweat and smirks
stained on our faces

i want you quietly
it radiates down to the ink in my pores
you are a sunburn no one else sees

but i love the sting

garage

2009-10-29T11:49:00.001-04:00

i watch
a boy inhale dusting spray
he drools on himself
we laugh
the smell
clogs my mouth
i cough and spit on the ground
smoke and spilled drinks
all over the table
a girl tries to
yell at you
the girl tries to
grab at you
her teeth would
look better on the ground
lets go to
your room and make love
making love is such
a strange term
for the pound pound
of what we do
but i love you
so what do i say

shiver

2009-10-21T12:11:00.000-04:00

i feel a song coming on
i sit up in bed
in the jacket i stole from you
lost the button
of my favorite jeans
with a zipper as cold as
the concrete outside
pin my mouth together
with your hand
inject into me
like youre a man
i say it half joking
but i mean it
dirty dreams i dont remember
an hour later
but the bed is soaked in sweat

needles

2009-10-19T12:06:00.002-04:00

they stole all our blood
i sat pale faced and sweating
even though it was cold
too cold for this month
leaning against a chapel
hoping for more support
than i knew it could give me

there were a lot of visitors
people should learn to love more
while everyones still here

i dont know if i believe that really
the roses looked strange
next to that framed picture
i stared at them as my grandmother talked
about the decline of our generation
this could happen to you
this could happen to you
it already did

8:33

2009-09-05T19:06:00.002-04:00

last night i saw a plane fly over the moon
and i thought of the phone call
where i heard,
"if she lives you'll know
that god exists"
she didnt
she came and she went
seven days later
swaddled in pink
try not to tell me
that youre not okay
saucer eyes
ocean blue
im on the floor of it now
i came and i went
trips to front porches are
as far as i get
pack of menthols
staring off into the distance
where planes fly over the moon

2009-07-18T16:47:00.001-04:00

i sit on the porch
the chair is damp
listen to skinny love
by bon iver
over and over
maybe im thinking it should
make me feel better
about something
im not sure what
i only have one cigarette left
come get me
come kiss me
then i will buy some more

<3

2009-05-19T12:01:00.001-04:00

my eyes get bigger

2009-05-13T10:15:00.003-04:00

i hated my poems this morning
i wanted them to sit in my closet
and hide under the shoes i dont wear
i never practice walking in heels
who has time for that
when i look in the mirror
i am flossing alone
id rather not be
but you arent here
its always been that way
you said my eyes kept getting bigger
like those deer caught in headlights
and i knew you were wrong
my deer would have its eyes closed
like it was tired or drunk
like it was waiting for the impact

19

2009-05-01T09:19:00.002-04:00

it doesnt really change a thing
im still in the same place i was last week
and the weeks before
at 18 i expected a lot
and last week made me 19
and i expect a lot less

ive been suffering from
insatiable restlessness
i look up porn when im bored
and it doesnt change a thing
i swallowed a roll
and spent the night spread out
in a dirty motel bed
my sweat branded the sheets
i threw up 6 times the next morning

leftovers

2009-04-15T12:31:00.000-04:00

you commented
my red flats
they are shiny
i don't remember if that day was

we weren't together then
when you opened a package
when you sat in the desk chair
talking about things i don't care about

we were never really together

i fell asleep

you make me very tired

drained
you are a drain
and you are the hair that clogs it
it makes me gag

i clean it with a tissue
tissues seem too soft
to be cleaning up messes

so maybe i was a spill on a countertop
in a house you created in your head
and you couldn't deal with that

have your cellular device do your dirty work
clean me up and dispose of what i did

what you did
was break a few glasses
that i didn't realize i hated
until you broke them
and then i was relieved
to have you gone

oh no oh yes

2009-04-03T12:27:00.002-04:00

no poems have come out of me. i don't call this a dry spell. i just can't say much without seeming bitter and cliche and other emotions that annoy me but are inevitable when someone you thought you loved leaves you in a big time of need and then proceeds to find someone new right away and say to her all the things he once said to you. i don't think i cold ever be that good of a liar, to recycle those butterfly in the stomach words with each new person i meet.

the door with his name on it has closed. i leave the window in my room open, even when it rains.

2009-02-24T11:51:00.002-05:00

head over the toilet
this is what the end feels like
gag worthy and your eyes
can't help but tear up
i am not drunk
it is not midnight
in a strangers backyard
it's 11am
i am home
i just got off the phone with
my oldest friend
she said really think about it
and i have
i won't be drinking for awhile
depending on my final decision
this is one of those things
you wish on someone
that you don't like very much
this is one of those things
friends who don't like you very much
talk about to warn people
of what not to do

6

2009-02-09T16:32:00.001-05:00

new piece in six sentences

http://sixsentences.blogspot.com/2009/02/your-face-said.html

this

2009-02-02T20:55:00.001-05:00

my eyes are heavy. it makes me send messages i dont remember sending. i call you a pet name and say i miss you i do. and you dont say anything at all.

thunk interview

2009-01-28T13:00:00.001-05:00

http://metaphysicalthinking.blogspot.com/2009/01/ryan-manning-v-karissa-ariel.html

i've been tagged

2008-12-30T20:03:00.002-05:00

so seven facts about me...

1. my friends dread me drinking around them since i go back and forth between belligerent and hysterical
2. as a kid i used to read spell books
3. i cannot drive. never learned how. i walk, take buses, or bum rides. this does not bother me.
4. i collect found objects in library books and sometimes from the ground
5. i always keep a journal but can never finish one
6. i cry almost everytime i hear certain songs, like three peaches by neutral milk hotel
7. i often wake up with my thumb in my mouth

where i've been or gone

2008-12-17T19:08:00.002-05:00

i like to blow second hand smoke in people's faces and i don't know why. the window is open even though it's december but a boy is lighting a bowl and doesn't want his mom to smell it. so young. his older brother gave me a tattoo and once during sex someone kissed it and kissed it again. it sits right there on my hip and i stare at it and the one on my arm and the one on my hand when i get out of the shower. i stand for a long time outside the shower. my bed is a womb and i sleep curled up. last weekend i barely slept. a boy i'd recently met claimed love for me i smile and agree but wonder what the fuck are you thinking. i name a list of my flaws but it does not frighten him. maybe i want to scare you all off. as long as you promise to come back. i toss and turn. i don't write as often as i should as often as i'd like to. my journal grows more and more empty. so does my stomach. some people lose it all when summer heat hits pavement. but there's a madness in winter and not just because the sky gets gray.

a little of this for today

2008-11-27T12:39:00.002-05:00

i am thankful for the wine in my glass. for your hand down my pants. for the extra five bucks in my coat pocket. for late nights of talking. for secrets kept. for new people i've met. for songs in my head. for cigarettes. for days work free. for mystery. for random car rides. for nights i feel alive. for smoke in our lungs. for needs that won't be needs for long.

blizzards

2008-11-07T14:25:00.003-05:00

"In the middle of the night I worry
Its blurry even without light.
I miss you more than I knew"
-Nada Surf

there are blizzards where there shouldn't be
in the snow globe of my chest
it's cold outside and the leaves crunch
they are golden snow flakes
i made them that way
what made you that way
look at my cheeks
they are red from the wind
they were red from that time you held them
wait forget all about that
my hands hurt now
my pockets aren't big enough to hold it all in
while i watch old flames extinguish on the pavement

night sweats

2008-11-03T11:19:00.002-05:00

the tossing isn't the problem
the one you want doesn't want you
you thought you already knew this
dreams of stomachs full of bees suggest different

it's been months
aging backwards is the new trend
who invented it
they should write a book and explain themselves

explaining myself in the dark part of morning
is a heavy task
with heavy hands that hold onto headless pillows

mornings turn to mourning
don't ask why
brainstorming doesn't make it rain outside
i wish it would
that sound is one that i could count on
promiseless but calm

recent developments

2008-10-22T10:33:00.000-04:00

fuck. you. really.

campout

2008-10-06T18:05:00.000-04:00

the fire kept the cold out
for awhile

i sat on a crate
music played
the sky looked clear and fake

loud laughing about old stories
someone drunk stumbled
tequila can get you
so i sipped slowly

hands on my legs
i was on fire
lets go to sleep
but not do any sleeping

labored breathing and chilled feet
a heart pounded and i touched your chest
i said your name

almost spilled out a heavy word
but it's too soon
and though i want to make you awestruck
i do not want to frighten you

two poems

2008-09-26T11:42:00.002-04:00

remember when

catching up
friends since age eight
smoking in the park
no one watching
discussing childhood
and freedom and how
both are so connected
make believe made us believe
in the power of human beings
we ran barefoot
spun in circles
arms outstretched
pretending we could touch the stars

creek bruises

driving down route 8 again
lazy monday
tapping on the steering wheel
windows down
my arms hanging out
hand pressed backwards from the wind
going to meet someone

piggyback rides downhill
i say wow you're talented
he laughs at that
in the woods
by the broken road
i tug on his hat
he asks if i'm ticklish

walk further
watch boys hit trees with sticks
easy amusement
funny to witness
walk back
try to jump over a creek
clumsy me
fall in
left leg wet
right knee hit
i laugh for almost five minutes

he asks if i'm ok
sounds like he meant it
i watch him bite his nails
share a yawn
as the bruise dark sky
lures us to sleep

how to con yourself

2008-09-24T11:45:00.002-04:00

you are a whitehead
on the face of perfection

you sting like acid
spill it on your hands
you still leave your marks

you are a chair blocking a fire exit
but you probably couldn't find your way there

you are a wrong way sign
we drive through anyway

you are a road that ends too abruptly
though with eyes closed falling feels like flying

you are the small flames
post explosion
i tried to stomp them out and couldn't

you are a lie that keeps going
when it makes a circle it makes more sense
than the truth would

you are a jar glued back together
if you squint you can almost ignore the cracks
i ignored them and sat inside you
until i gasped for breath

you are the slant in a pool
causing quick slips
i just didn't catch myself
before the drowning began

if some things stay lit

2008-09-15T20:13:00.001-04:00

the entire street was dark
tree in the driveway
arms warm legs cold
curled up on the porch
i could smell the leaves
i felt close to something
outside matched my stillness

nothing fell from the sky

2008-09-13T09:27:00.002-04:00

hand on my sternum
he pried me open

conquering ferociously
without exploring

black sheets
this body slid down them

off the edge of the bed
carried to the balcony

overlooking the pool
i thought of water

and how i felt weightless
head floating

our mouths dry
he went for a drink

i went to inhale more matter
so seemingly innocent the white

gum smacking mouth
pressed against my ear

there were no stars exploding
there were no wings clipped from his blades

he said girl you are so fragile
but i'm not saving anything

the swings creaked out more than we did

2008-09-01T21:37:00.003-04:00

chemistry
pop
pop
sparks make me rub at my eyes
or were those just ashes
you said you're smoking less
so i blew it in your face
and we lit them together
spark
the truck goes fast
she climbs in and sits
in the exact spot
that you and i once moved
at the same pace
moved with your big hands along my waist
moved
i couldn't help but laugh

clean up this mess and meet me there

2008-08-27T09:44:00.003-04:00

we were bubbles in chocolate milk
we blew until it overflowed
onto the kitchen table
a sticky mess
i licked the side of my glass
then we left it out too long
you forgot about it
the milk curdled
with chipped nails and bruised hands
i offer forth cups saying
hey i made milkshakes
but you weren't buying it
or anything then
you were writing your own poems
your own mini plots
my role was not to be written in
and i think that's the way
you always intended it
so i blow alone
and don't clean up anything
when it all pours out

if you were here you wouldn't be home

2008-08-23T15:07:00.000-04:00

inhale your shirt

like kids
huffing paint

eyes heavier than hands

2008-08-22T18:07:00.001-04:00

arguments are stopped
stabbed in the stomach
with your stare

i saw you in the beginning
before we pressed together
before we exchanged numbers
before i tried to lure you
with needy conversation
disguised as awkward

saw you walking that way
hands in pockets
cigarette bobbing in your mouth
and i thought of waving
as i drove past in all sorts of weather

i didn't wave in fear of you giving that stare
you would have given me that stare
with no other reply attached

and though i had no idea
of the demolition powers
of your thick eyelashes
of your single syllables

i felt the vibrations
like low scale earthquakes

how you shake
and shake
and shake

one hundred years ago when i rode horses

2008-08-21T12:44:00.002-04:00

the bus is perpetually five minutes late
sometimes more than that
when i wait for the one scheduled at 2:17
it comes at 2:22

there's a man that waits
he carries around a little red bible
the pages are torn and brown
i've yet to see him without it
he wears tshirts and shouts out

the first time i heard him speak
he was pacing and said
"astro, the jetsons dog!"

i giggled and felt like a bad person
that red book of so many words and meanings
it sat in his hands
it glared at me

i felt guilty

i was waiting for the bus the other day
it was later than usual
but i thought that it's absence of punctuality
was the only thing worth counting on lately

there has been some scorning recently
or could you not tell
from the bitterness of my rambling
if only you could hear the fuck yous of my typing

i sat on a black metal bench
the man paced in front of me
i stared at my feet
he looked over at me but his eyes were somewhere else
he didn't see me at all and it reminded me
of my last relationship

he spoke in a sort of poem
looking at me while saying,
"pull all your feelings to the surface,
your need for a love with a purpose"

he smiled
continued pacing
stopped looking

dumbfounded i sat there
and could not look him in the eye

my black underwear is on vacation

2008-08-15T07:00:00.002-04:00

i woke up many times
the clock was red and pissy
my black lace bra is thrown over my chair
it has been sitting there for weeks
the one i wore the first time we had sex
you shouldn't be allowed to fuck people like that
with your hands all in their short hair
with your hands all gently on their face
if you don't plan on meaning it
i bought that underwear for such an occasion
i have wore it since but only because
it makes me look bigger than i am
though not so much that i am lying
it hurts when i wear it now
i wore it with someone else
i felt like a cheater
though you wear your underwear
with that new dark haired girl
she is younger than i am i think
i hope that bothers you
i received a message from a friend
she said i saw them outside of subway
i do not know why she felt the need to tell me
i was at work as i read it
i wanted to unplug the phone
i wanted to sleep under the front desk
even though there's hair all over the floor
there's hair on my shirt
i wonder if it's somehow carried over
from the last time i saw you
i bet it isn't
let's play pretend

i tried to write about something that felt like

2008-08-09T18:18:00.003-04:00

i went to type and my fingers wouldn't move
i didn't sleep well
i can't remember if i ate today
i would feel better if you'd make like to me
while pretending that it's more

i would feel better if it rained
i would feel better if this season were over
i think maybe my mood would transition along with it

do you remember what it feels like to seem infinite
i am young and old
i am a baby bird
i am a fish keeping my eyes open

moving forward is foreign
i am capable
no i don't know what you're talking about

how to make your own 12 steps

2008-08-07T10:30:00.001-04:00

isnt the first step admitting you have a problem
the next step
is tearing everything in little pieces
i made that up
it's working
you said you're my drug of choice
i tell people it's nothing
just the cocaine blues
i'm lying but baby
didn't you
didn't you
you did
and you were mine
i took too much of you
you get what metaphor i'm itching at
stewing in the heat of my front porch
full ashtray and the music plays
i'd wait for days
the next step is removing the smile in your eye sockets
shove it in saved plastic bags
shove it in the closet next to shoes i never wear
i feel a little better
i feel exactly the same
the next step is confession
with your hands held down that way
it feels like numbing
it feels like fucking
just kidding
it's hard to be that way
when after every time
i spend 45 minutes showering
for reasons that are stupid enough or hidden enough
that even i don't know them
skip a couple more
because you reach the bottom faster
as long as you don't trip over your own feet
well who elses feet would they be
stand up straight and say
this is how to make an ass out of yourself
this is how to call too much
this is how to go through a box of band aids
cover it all up
ship it out
take it take it
it's all free
hello everyone it's me
hello me
the last step is one i haven't reached
tell me if you beat me there
e-mail me the directions
health is easier to fake than care

i should make my own warning labels

2008-08-01T17:44:00.000-04:00

you were the bomb in our bomb shelter
you said i'm going to explode
i said hold tighter
you exploded
still i was surprised

i tried to help clean up
you said no, you opened the door
everything out there hurt my eyes
i stumbled like i was half drunk
couldn't find my way home
walking in jagged lines and half circles

maybe my baby hands and feet are better suited
for smaller rooms

or maybe i just prefer explosions next to you

lately,
i stare at my phone
i forget things
i spend over an hour walking down aisles in walgreens
an employee did the same
no one knows what they are doing
no one has moved or changed at all

regardless i want you

and i want to dye my hair again
my boss said it's color not dye
you aren't a t-shirt or easter egg
my posture is also corrected
and the way i sit with neither of my
feet touching the floor

i think of how as kids we played
the floor is lava
that was before we met
now the ground is just another thing
to take advantage of

i've forgotten what steady feels like

i need champagne, a dry face, and a warm stomach

2008-07-30T09:30:00.003-04:00

i have made plans for this weekend that probably won't happen
the only cure for a torn heart i think
is a lot of alcohol or maybe other things
it doesn't matter if you google it
it doesn't matter how much i have or haven't slept lately
i was invited to a party but i can't face a party
i would get shit faced and then start to cry
because i would be at that party without that fucking boy
because towards the end before i pass out i get lonely
i am a cheap drunk, the cheapest
it embarrasses me
everyone around me holds it better
but when i'm gone and they are just buzzing i mind a lot less
this weekend i need to get fucked up
in a non party environment
in a safe loving atmosphere
with no reminders of him anywhere

the ways i'm reminded we aren't in contact

2008-07-29T22:05:00.004-04:00

the outside smelled burnt
it smelled like fire and smoke
it was thick in the way incense is
i kept walking at night
i felt like there was a thing or things missing
i felt strange but calm

it made me think of a friend's backyard
how we stood in circles when we were younger
our hands touched
we spun around
my feet were dirty
we thought we were magic

years later i would lay in the same yard
substances affecting me
the grass made my arms itch
i felt eternal and it sat on me heavy damp and scary

go forward to now
i'm in bed with no clothes on
i tap out songs on my hips on my clavicle
i keep my eyes shut
i keep my favorite necklace on

i roll over and over
i light incense and open the window
there is an emptiness in this room
it flies around on the fan blades
it sits inside my purse
it lays along my limbs spread on the sheets
i pretend i'm not thinking of everything i shouldn't be

when our lips met i thought we were magic

the last time we did

2008-07-27T20:06:00.001-04:00

it was on a saturday
it is usually on weekdays in the morning
before i go to work
before you have to go do something

i grab my underwear
smile at how hours ago i picked them out so carefully
and they barely received a glance
they barely stayed on

i pick them up
slide them on while you go get water
close my eyes thighs under knuckles
this is what it feels like to be wanted
or maybe close to it

we fucked with my ankles near your shoulders
we fucked with my nails on your back
it was fast and i gasped for air
i am always too loud and always forget to care once we start
we fucked another way and it hurt though we'd done it before
but it wasn't like that
i put my nails on your forearms
i dug out morse code questions

i asked
does this feel nice
am i doing okay
do you love me
is this you loving me
it stings but keep going if you please

i always have bruises after
they smile a yellow smile
not yellow like sundresses as a child
a sick sour color that makes me grin

i've gotten nothing since then
it hadn't been our first time
i never thought it would be a goodbye
ive seen you since

you held me and my arms and ribs yelled tighter
you said not now but soon soon
soon

i feel ill and unused
touch me how you want
my legs stay spread only for you

you loved me then
it was around noon

it's all reduced to this or less

2008-07-20T16:47:00.001-04:00

there are storms here

oh

2008-07-11T22:39:00.000-04:00

i received erotic text messages
and felt calm