i feel you fading, i have felt it before
the way you change with the weather up and down
though i am thinking the summer you doesn't exist
anymore or maybe it never did because side by side
breathing and trembling with the only high i ever got for free
side by side that way with my fingers on the hair on your chest
is a place and a person who could never talk to her again
is a heart and a being who could never look at someone like her again
but you did
do you hear me breaking, it is nothing like the pushing you described
resembling more the slamming of a car door trying to hold ground that won't
stop cracking
the ground is wet from the rain of my face that made me choke and slur excuses
you know that word far too well and i used them as someone said
stand strong and still because taking him back gives the okay for nothing to change
if he has done it before then he always will
i can scream i can hit i can say every angry phrase with ease and certainty
i do it almost well enough to fool myself but darling can't you see we are both actors
in a scene where i try to keep control i try to keep my hands and words from fumbling
so that you can't see i was born to be a doormat used for only you to keep clean
why do i feel like the dirty one as i shrink and curl inside myself with every word i say
lets be honest, can you swallow that, i can't always but i will try, i will say that i am just an
instrument who craves to be played by the mouth and the hands and the heart of whichever
form of you was decided on that moment
but you sat me in the corner while you hummed a different song
a tune i heard but didn't know well enough to hum along
so i grasp at any lyric to make you look and take action
but your reactions send my notes collapsing and burning like a cancer in my chest
you pain me and i love it because it means you plus me interacting
i will respond and try not to be shocked when it goes wrong