i saw you drunk
on an almost birthday
backpack in tow
i was unwillingly
sober
hoping to break away
to make sobbing calls
filled with promises to pay
him back later

we are supposed to be best friends
you are supposed to take care of me
you said
and you said that i
well i am unreasonable
and dramatic
labels i've stuck on my forehead
long before you did
no one is cared for either way
you are with her, smiling
i am here waiting to get my collateral back
from the dealer

where now
we could try the friend thing
i could try the thing where people
pretend to be happy for other people
even when they aren't because they are in
something resembling a love
if i can't have you someone else can
because it is not my decision
i fill the gaps with naps in the afternoon
waiting for chemicals or drinks
to soothe the pain of acting
like we are okay

she's been here 7 months
i've been here 1
guess who has the upperhand
not that i can have you either way
but i gave you me and you took it
you took it without question
without mentioning the face of anyone else
groping in corners you felt the texture of my heart
as i breathed like a sprinter
mentally willing time
to pause so i could possess you
for the seconds you lied

wanting something doesn't make it real
reality doesn't make you feel
mine