i crave autumn
frozen in bed
shaking in the heat
of the season that makes
even the sane feel tight
in their own skin

the oleanders sit
outside of work
the first time i'd seen them in person
like lust at first sight
the poison calling to me
like an echo of a stranger standing
at the end of the street
you only see an outline
but you want to go to them

everything moves forward
i dismiss what i am doing to my body
i dismiss those who left before
i dismiss your words and their words
my mothers words and advice
i can dismiss everything minus
what you refuse to give

the unattainable rests in me
stinging in pores as if the absence
is a tattoo only i feel
permanent and regretted later maybe
it sits in the shape of your palms

we don't choose this
this aching and the way it pours itself
into the facial features of everyone
you make eye contact with

the longing will kill
before the drugs will
before the drinking
the sex and music
longing for seasons for people
who have passed though still alive

when you lay next to someone
who does not carry lists and rules sewed
inside the pockets of their heartbeats
do you feel me breathing