i wonder how long i can go on
pretending i don't want you
like a need that breathes in a human way
but waits and thaws in the heat
surging forward quick as blood flow
quick as a whirlpool that leads to a place
only i can go to

i never thought i wanted to be anywhere alone

you have hypnotised me
i didn't not ask for it
with feelings bare like fresh roadkill
open and inviting the vultures to come
just one vulture here picking at me
at a frequency audible only when i choose to hear

i choose it
my nose runs like a cold that doesn't end
i am winter incarnate
sagging like trees iced over
turning branches into weapons
but can't you see the fragility

my hands are small and cold
i want to hold you and inhale
smells like freedom smells like
cloud nine sex during sunset

devoid
that is it exactly
gimme my medication
gimme my god for fifteen minutes
i pray indian style with eyes closed head back
pupils change heart rate
pounds

altering chemistry
feeling everything at once
to lessen the blow

i feel you fading, i have felt it before
the way you change with the weather up and down
though i am thinking the summer you doesn't exist
anymore or maybe it never did because side by side
breathing and trembling with the only high i ever got for free
side by side that way with my fingers on the hair on your chest
is a place and a person who could never talk to her again
is a heart and a being who could never look at someone like her again
but you did
do you hear me breaking, it is nothing like the pushing you described
resembling more the slamming of a car door trying to hold ground that won't
stop cracking
the ground is wet from the rain of my face that made me choke and slur excuses
you know that word far too well and i used them as someone said
stand strong and still because taking him back gives the okay for nothing to change
if he has done it before then he always will
i can scream i can hit i can say every angry phrase with ease and certainty
i do it almost well enough to fool myself but darling can't you see we are both actors
in a scene where i try to keep control i try to keep my hands and words from fumbling
so that you can't see i was born to be a doormat used for only you to keep clean
why do i feel like the dirty one as i shrink and curl inside myself with every word i say
lets be honest, can you swallow that, i can't always but i will try, i will say that i am just an
instrument who craves to be played by the mouth and the hands and the heart of whichever
form of you was decided on that moment
but you sat me in the corner while you hummed a different song
a tune i heard but didn't know well enough to hum along
so i grasp at any lyric to make you look and take action
but your reactions send my notes collapsing and burning like a cancer in my chest
you pain me and i love it because it means you plus me interacting
i will respond and try not to be shocked when it goes wrong

word blocked

chemicals, weather changes, heart stomps, and people who hit like lightning have occupied me and prevented words from outpouring properly

i think in images right now
http://verygoodbuster.tumblr.com/

i wanted to write an ode or a sonnet
an epic telling or spelling out a story
of something true and whole but really
something borderline therapeutic to make
the clutter of my nerves and brain
chill for minutes long enough to let me breathe
in and out completely

i cannot
all i can say is i forget what your face looks like up close
it has been too long and distance makes the heart grow
but all mine does is pace and twitch in a chemically
induced manner i choose so i can just fucking deal

the water is gone but the lightning still strikes the same place
gone is the word of the day kids though it is so overused
or over discussed and my hands would love to spin the tale
if they could just stop moving but this is impossible
my hummingbird hands used to rest i think before our eyes met
some things should be left alone
this is a character trait or skill i never possessed

to just be blunt now i will say that while outlines
and laughter sounds fade i know what it feels like
to have your body hover above mine while you smile
i'm pretty sure you smiled as you spoke nontruths

that's how this always goes isn't it
insert two people, one says words because they are easy
words that float so close they can be grabbed
we both reached but when you spoke them aloud
i sewed them in the surface of my lungs
i smoke and inhale nicotine and pipe dreams

you have the globe on your fingertips
no it is under your fingernails and you scratch at it
gaining everything you ever wanted
i float in wave pools that resembled oceans from far away
i could still drown like this but you will never be affected by knowing
what it is like to gamble away the only bet i had to put on the table

your back is the table when you begin to stretch
i wanted to be the legs under it
but i was hardly even a place setting

i believe things that are not real
does it make it easier, no
my body has more blood than the average body
there is blood and blood and it tastes copper-like
it tastes like the bathroom tile and saltwater
the ocean sits in my eye sockets
i made you promise to leave if i did it again
well i did it again and i am the one who is gone
press your body against her average body
in the morning ingest her sweat for breakfast
tell me if it was the best meal you've eaten
every detail i really want to know
it seems so inhuman for you to exist
is this a dream made from the mind of some sort
of bad trip in the head of someone more fucked up
than all of this this is spinning
couldn't you just lay curled and sweet
let me believe that i made you you exist for me
exist for me so i can exist as a whole mechanism
you eat the sun and now it is dusk all of the time
the stars are the hearts of everyone you burned
i am the north one

where do we go from here. i sway but do not move, concrete stuck. frozen. the night is old. you said you felt old. i feel old and young thinking that maybe i have been the same person for ten years at least, only bodies and coping mechanisms changing with seasons that no longer help me keep track of time. the other night it was too hot and we were not talking as i stood and sipped a drink not strong enough listening to a cover band as someone gave advice to another saying "what you need is a game changer". i don't think i changed anything. there is a weight on my chest in the shape of absences. carve me a train tunnel to your insides so i can catch a peek before the light comes hurling forward blinding any hints you give to what is happening. the dark isn't where the fear is, it's the light that signals warnings through the atmosphere before we crash crash bam. this is the only collision i was never prepared for. i spent three years making little wrecks in the outlines of others bodies. the sting means it is healing and we go on. this sting spreads like fire in a drought. i bleed all over everything you touched and refuse to stop pulling the stitches out because at least then i see physically where you once were. gone.

if i could use cookie cutters to pull out stars
from my skin to make the sky as bright as you'd
like it to be i would do that
if i could use the smoke i exhale to fashion
a swing so we could pretend to fly together
i would do that but you fly and run alone always

where is the eraser for the brain

i want to bury you in chemicals
i want to murder emotion
i want to not be completely naked in front of you
though you are more than miles gone from here
you know me without a word having to be said
upper hand advantage
game over before i even started playing
i cannot murder this emotion

anything attached to you is museum beautiful
i am museum fragile and dusty in dim lighting
i am open in a disturbed way that makes you not want
to open your eyes fully
let me hold onto your hip bones for dear life
one more time
let me gnaw at your edges like this is the only starvation
i have known

we talk briefly on a monday night
you give no sign of anything
my weakness pours and i put my hands away
ashamed as if there is blood on them
something here won't pass
my skin unpeeled itself and your words
are made of salt
still i beg of you to speak
as though i know the sting is all i have
left