Tuesday, July 29, 2014

It's 2am and I miss you
I cannot say this
It's 2am and I drank too much wine
My stomach hurts
My brain hurts
It's 2am and the way your face feels against my legs makes them shake

When you push me down and pull me to you I feel like you're telling me something that we can't speak
When I tell you I'm crazy I'm not kidding and I feel it in my bones
My body hurts
It's 2am and you're asleep and I want to hear you sleeping

You cried once in the dark and squeezed me until my breath stopped
I thought about death and wondered if anything I've ever felt meant anything

How long until I tell you I need you
It's 2am and someone who isn't you once held my heart in their hands and watched it stop and I said everything that's worth it hurts

I was wrong

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Your hand across my face
My body sprawled on a basement couch
I wore your leather vest
You're not going to fuck anyone else
Do you hear me?
Yes
My ears were ringing
Your body felt like home
Your alcohol breath was a song
Do you hear me you said
My body on the bed
It's so hot and the fan was loud
Your hands move quick
Good girl
Your mouth has poison in it
All I do is swallow

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

i used to hate that color
now it's tied to you and i see it all over
i hear those songs you sing
you smile and grab my knee at the red light
you smile

i know what your eyes look like
when you're covered in sweat
how the gold glazes over
i am learning your limbs like a map
here is where you don't like to be touched
here is where it feels nice
here
here

someday someone is going to reach into your chest and pull you inside out. someday their name will fall off your mouth with ease and nothing will be kept secret. someday you will wake up and only think of their face, their spine you trace. someday you will know the urgency in my voice and why i kept on.

i should stop
i should let your smell go
i should not catalog every freckle and sigh
i should let him go
shouldn't i

there is panic here
licking the sweat off your chest
i'm thirsty i'm tired is this clear

i loved him that day he ran the red light
i loved him that day i walked home
i loved him that night i said leave her and he said no
he left anyway and i loved him and didn't say a thing
i loved him when he blinked
i loved him when he lied

i should let this go
stop running
stop trying
fuck me break me
i should stop this

i never even tried

Friday, April 11, 2014

When my friends say I drink too much

There are holes in my body in the shape of your hands

I drink to forget I walk around like this

Once we didn't talk for 12 hours and I said I don't care

I asked if one day you could halfway l-word me and you said yes
I shouldn't have taken it and ran
I should have tied it to a brick and thrown it
Am I the brick or the glass?

I think you were drunk when you said that

You smell like an answer and taste like the first thing I want when I wake up

I drink because I'm mourning
The loss of something I never had

I could sink a ship with the shit I'm drowning in

Monday, March 31, 2014

fling

four times in one night
do you remember after the third
you kissed me
just once
and it felt like something

i am not anywhere near your bed
there is cheap beer in my body
i crave you like nothing i can explain
come here come here come

i have to stop

at some point everyone has their
"get your shit together" moment
right?
i'm waiting

i don't care
i just want to hear your voice
singing every song i hate
i just want to insult your dirty floor and feel your hands
groping me as i go to change

how can i tell you i want you to fill
every opening i have
this means more to me than just sweat
lust that blooms at night when we both
have gone too long without feeling

how can i tell you that just because you open your sheets
doesn't mean you have told me anything
we have to stop

i'm fading
i fucking love you asshole i say
and you say
fuck me

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

My imagination is working overtime. I am alone now. All I want is your breath on my neck and hand between my legs. All I want is to be first choice. I am too much in my head. Let's make believe I'm someone that can go out and talk like a normal person. Let's make believe I'm someone you could show to other people. I'm trying to tell me that I'm enough and have that be truth. There's no excuse for the girl I've been. When I was a kid I told myself that love was a necessity. It was constant and consuming. It clawed at your door and when you caught it you got to walk hand in hand til the end. I ask for too much. Do you remember when you told me about Linda and Paul? I fucking want that. When I wake up I think you'll be gone and I'll still be crazy. I don't even know what that means. I want your breath to touch me.

Monday, March 10, 2014

There are thunderstorms in my chest and I don't know how to keep my eyes dry

I want to touch you in a deep way
I want to be one person and walk where you walk
I want to ask you to look at me every single day

But there's ash in my heart from all the bridges I've burned

Teach me how to not be afraid

I don't want to sleep with the moon anymore
The dark is too much to take
Wake me with sunflowers and dreams that don't leave me shaking

I want to be more than the sum of all my things that I couldn't complete
I don't want to run when I'm not being chased

Could you catch me?